just thoughts

Last week was my birthday. 57 now. I really feel like my age now. Never did before. I seem to be tired all the time. I still run rings around the younger ones at work but once I get home my energy goes.

The week before they called me at work and said they couldn't wake Papa. He had a 104 fever and wasn't responding. I left work and the nurse was there waiting for the social worker to come out and the doctor to call. Mom didn't want to take him to the hospital again. We decided that we could get the IV for antibiotics and a hospital bed. I knew if he woke up in the hospital, it would have definitely messed with his mind. The social worker came and sat us down and proceeded to "prepare us" for Pop's death. She wanted us to call the priests for last rites and to get ready for his death, His BP was down to 70/40. She said once it got this low, it meant he was dying. I told her it happened before in the hospital- his temp was reduiculously high, he was not moving- almost comatose, I told her once the fever broke and he started moving around the bp would move up. She told me not to have unrealistic expectations.

For the last year, I''ve woken up every single day with the thought that "wow- I haven't got a call saying he died- Thank you God it means one more day with him"

I dont have unrealistic thoughts. I just know he rallys over and over. 

I touched his cheek and asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor. He had tears on his cheek. Heartbreaking.

At 11:30 pm- he woke up and was going upstairs for breakfast. At 5am Mama told him to please go to bed and he thought it was 5 in the afternoon. It happened a few times at the hospital where he lost track of the day.